 Jenny: "I could not leave my child on the streets."Jenny has two sons. Her youngest son grows into an athletic person, marries and has children. Her eldest son is being bullied at school, gets into the wrong crowd of people and becomes addicted to alcohol and gambling."We moved to Groningen to start a business in flowers," Jenny says. "Jan Willem, our eldest son, has never been accepted at school and in Groningen, things went completely wrong. We moved into a protected and tightly-knit community. We were considered to be 'different'. It has taken us years to be accepted by the community. You can imagine how difficult it is for a teenager to be accepted by the group." Skipping school Jan Willem is the eldest and, therefore, has a larger responsibility than his younger brother. "My husband and I were constantly working. Jan Willem had to stimulate his brother to go to school and gave him his sandwiches. His brother was gradually accepted at school but Jan Willem continued to be the odd one out. We did not know that. Jan Willem tried to adapt and often went to the largest disco of the Netherlands, which is located in our village. Through offering rounds, he tried to make friends. His school results dropped but we did not discover until his graduation that he had frequently skipped school. We never could have imagined that he spent hours gambling in pubs. The gambling machine had become his best friend." 'There, he was...' After having finished high school, Jan Willem leaves for Leiden to go to college. "He really wished to go back to the region we came from. Later, I have often thought that he might not have been ready for it. However, when I mentioned this to friends or family, they told me I had to let him go. I trusted their judgment. Jan Willem only told us positive stories and we naturally believed him. We had no reason not to. Until the moment my husband came home worried." At the flowers' auction Jenny's husband always goes to, friends of Jan Willem's ask him whether Jan Willem has recovered yet. "We did not know he was ill and immediately went to see him. There, he was, lying in bed, curtains closed, bottles scattered on the floor and, as we later discovered, with huge financial debts. His hear had fallen out, his physical condition had deteriorated due to poor eating habits and drinking. We took Jan Willem home with us but we did not think he was addicted. We thought he was 'just' very lonely. That he might have chosen the wrong studies." Against my better judgment Now that Jan Willem is home again, he is doing better. He becomes a truck driver and is happy with his job. Then, his physician tells him that he has high blood pressure and several other physical conditions. He is no longer capable of and allowed to do his work as a driver. Jenny: "This was a huge blow for him. He started drinking and gambling again. At that time, I realised that I no longer had any influence over him. I used to be able to talk to him but now, we hardly spoke with each other at all. I knew he was not functioning well. Still, we let him buy an appartment in Groningen, against my better judgment. I knew he wanted to be independent again and he was doing well for a while. He got a different job which he enjoyed and he made some friends. Again, however, those friends told us he was not doing as well as we thought he was. One of his friends called and told us that Jan Willem did not answer phone calls and that the curtains were closed. My husband and I went to see him and we encountered a similar situation as earlier in Leiden. Jan Willem had started gambling again and when he could no longer gamble, he started drinking." Angry Jenny finds it difficult to talk about this period but it is also a relief to talk about it. "As a parent, you believe your children are doing well. If you discover that is not the case, you become insecure. I believed my husband and I made serious mistakes. Nevertheless, I have learnt to trust my instincts. Jan Willem was not ready to move out. It is hard for me to tell what I felt when I saw my child in such a situation. I felt very sad and it made me angry. Especially the way other people reacted. They did not agree with us in taking Jan Willem home again but I could not leave my child on the streets!. Years later, I met a woman. Her son had been addicted, too, and she had not taken him in. Two weeks later, he was found dead." I need help! Jan Willem still denies he has problems: alcohol addiction and gambling. Jenny: "I felt we could not go on like this. I went upstairs where he was lying in the bath. I sat down and we talked. I had to pull it out of him and I prayed constantly: 'Lord, give me the right words!'. Gradually, it all became clear for me. I heard what he had been going through during the past years. I heard about his loneliness and I saw how desperate he was. I could only say: 'Son, you need help.' Later, I was looking at a program on television about gambling addiction. I prayed that Jan Willem would also see the program. I went to make a cup of tea and Jan Willem walked in. 'Mum, did you see that program?' 'Yes.' 'Well,' he said, 'That is me. I need help.' The next morning he called and asked where he could receive help. And I thanked God." A warm bath Jan Willem starts the intake procedure at De Hoop. Jenny goes with him despite the fact that her son is protesting. "When Jan Willem could go to the intake session, he said goodbye to me. The intake coordinator commented: 'is your mother only good enough to bring you here?' Again, I thanked God with all of my heart. I was considered valuable here. It felt like a warm bath after having been standing under a cold shower for all those years. When Jan Willem was admitted, my husband and I were involved in the whole process. We were convinced that we had caused Jan Willem's misery despite the fact that Jan Willem said it was not our fault. We did not mind having to travel a long way for the parent/partner meetings. De Hoop became very valuable to us. We could tell our story. People listened to us. We did not feel alone anymore." All those disappointments... Weeks later, Jenny receives a phone call from Jan Willem's counselor. "She said: 'Jenny, Jan Willem will most likely come to you again.' He could not be! We had finally been able to start living again. I was desperate. My husband became angry. I tried to calm him down and convince him that we should not try talking to Jan Willem straight away. The waiting was long. It was not until the evening that Jan Willem arrived. My husband started shouting. All those disappointments came to the surface. It was not a smart thing to do but I understand. It was such a huge disappointment... We had just begun believing that everything would be all right..." Immediately after he has left De Hoop, Jan Willem regrets his decision. He calls the next day and asks whether he can come back. "Luckily, he could come back. From then on, we saw that Jan Willem started to heal." We are proud Jan Willem stays at De Hoop for a few years in order to practice living on his own. During that period, we had many conversations with each other. It was good and we learnt from each other. At home, things had also changed. We had taken two mortgages in order to be able to pay off Jan Willem's debts. However, my husband was diagnosed with cancer and we had to close the business. Now, we have less money to spend. A completely different life but I feel that it is for the best. We are stronger now than we were before. Individually and also as a family. Me and my husband are very proud of Jan Willem. It has been a lonely road and we could never have done it without God. Whenever I get the chance, I tell my story. There are still so many parents and partners who feel that they are alone. I wish to be there for them... to tell my story. I wish to tell them that there is hope." |
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