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 Alfred: "I had been drinking for twenty years. No more."In the 1950s, Alfred's parents move from the Molucca Islands to the Netherlands. Having arrived there, they do not feel welcome at all. Alfred's father is deeply disappointed because of this as well as his experiences in a Japanese POW camp. He is aggressive and suppresses his emotions through drinking. In 1954, Alfred is born. "Despite his aggressiveness, I loved my father... because he was a broken man. I did not want to become like him but, unfortunately, I did.""For my parents and eldest brothers, the arrival in the Netherlands was a confusing event. They ended up in a former concentration camp, in barracks where Jewish people had been kept in prison. I was born and raised there. I still remember clearly what it was like. You could not go outside, you slept at straw mattresses and you had no privacy. I often wondered: 'Why am I here?'. It was very confusing. I also remember that people drank a lot of alcohol in the camp. Liquor was about the only thing that was available in large quantities in the camp. In 1960, we got a house in the city of Moordrecht. It had stairs and several bedrooms. Such a luxury! But moving also had its downside. We had space but we did not know how to use it. And I felt lonely. Very lonely. I was used to having people around." Spartan "I was raised in a Spartan way. I would rather play outside than go to Sunday school. When my father discovered this, he hit me hard. My mother frequently tried to smooth things between us. She would say in a clear and calm voice: 'You are crossing the line... he is your son.' My father often regretted his aggressiveness and he would often promise not to hit me again. But he was a broken man and unable to show his emotions in any other way than through violence. It was not until years later that I understood that his emotions had become dull due to all the disappointments and the horrible things he had experienced in the Japanese camp. For example, he saw a Japanese soldier murder a little child in cold blood. And he saw a friend being beheaded. I have long believed that I deserved to be hit because I was a disgrace to the family. After all, I was the only person in the family with technical talents. I was not an intellectual person. My father hated this. I was to become a laborer, other people's slave! But I continued to love my father, especially because I saw that he was honest to the bone, kept his end of the bargain, was disciplined and loyal." Drinking "Due to my father's aggressiveness, I did not learn to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. I stopped crying. I dealt with the hitting in a stoic way and I discovered alcohol at a very young age. I was about sixteen when I regularly started drinking - my favorite liquor was Dutch gin. In the Moluccan community, drinking during dinner or in the evening is common. But I was unable to control my drinking. Even when I got married, I continued to drink. Two years after I got married, my father passed away. Then, I began to drink even more. I felt horrible and I missed my father. I particularly struggled with the fact that I had never really had a father figure. My wife and I have four children but we did not hesitate to take in my mother. She did well for a long time but three years before she passed away, she developed Alzheimer's disease. The most difficult thing for me was seeing her become more and more like a child, dependent in everything. I could not handle that. The only way I knew how to express my sadness, was by drinking." Suicide attempt "My wife and I were both raised in a Christian home. But I had become angry at God. Why did He let my father become the man he had been? Why did I have to grow up without a healthy father figure and why did my mother have to develop Alzheimer's disease? I became depressed. I became so depressed that I regularly wished to die. A friend of mine, a drug addict, had committed suicide by stepping in front of an oncoming train. One night, I drove to that same spot. I looked at the train that was coming towards me. I was so entangled in my thoughts that I did not even hear the sound of the railroad barriers going down. At that time, I heard a voice saying to me: ‘Go home!' Then, the railroad barriers were raised again. The train had passed. I drove to a nearby parking lot and cried as I had never cried before. At the same time, I became really mad at myself, at others, at everything. I went back home and bashed everything. I was completely worn out. My wife called to several institutions in order to have me admitted immediately. Eventually, a detox clinic said I could be admitted. They injected me with sedatives and other pills, however. I soon knew that I wanted to leave that clinic." Trust "My wife has been a great support. She has done so much for me. She arranged for me to be admitted in another clinic, this time a Christian one. When I could not get along with the staff, my wife made sure that I could be admitted at De Hoop. I began to follow part-time treatment there. I had many expectations but I also felt very unhappy and was ashamed of my problem. I was the eldest man at the part-time treatment and my counsellor was also younger than me! How could I ever tell him about what was on my mind? Later, I learnt to appreciate and trust him. I began to respect him because he really showed an interest in the Moluccan culture. He wished to understand me and my reactions. What I particularly appreciated was that we could pray with each other and that he offered me good and practical guidelines. Ever since I have started following treatment at De Hoop, I have not smoked and drank alcohol. And that is a good thing. I am fifty years old, have smoked for thirty-four years and have frequently used alcohol since the age of twenty-six. No more. I am grateful for the new life I have received, for a good Christian congregation that teaches me many things about God, for the trust that exists between me and my counsellor and the restored relationship between me and my wife." |
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