 Elvira: "God has been really good to me...""I have learnt to look at myself the way I believe God looks at me. I have burnt my diaries that were filled with negative comments about myself. But I still have a way to go. I now have to put into practice the things I have learnt." Read Elvira's impressive testimony."Until I was 29, I lived at home with my parents. After I went to high school, I started working - first in a shoe store and later in a stationers' office. I often went out during the weekends and the holidays were one big party. During that time, I was not really involved with the Christian faith. To say it more clearly: there were periods during which I was searching for something, that I was thinking about God. However, I often asked ‘why'. I still was a member of a reformed church but I never attended the services." Anti-depressants "I had moved out and I lived in a house with a good atmosphere but I was not doing well. I felt depressed, even more often depressed, anxious and lonely than when I was living at home. I was fed up with everything. I was fed up when I went out. Again, I went to that bar. Again, I had to talk to those people I did not want to talk to. Again, I had to defend myself against men that wanted to do all kinds of things with me. I was fed up! That's when I started taking medicines, anti-depressants to be more exact. I lived for my job. I lived for the store. You could sometimes even find me there at Saturday evenings at eleven o'clock. They could rely on me to fix things. After all, there was nobody waiting for me at home." Personal ad "God grabbed me at just the right time, if I may say so. In that period, God put me back in the right direction and brought the right people in my life. For example, I could really get along with my employer Maarten and he gave me a daily devotional. I was moved by what I had read and after seventeen years, I started reading the Bible again. I decided to follow a course about the Christian faith at a church community. They told me beautiful things, but also things I found hard to believe. For example, that God loved me as I was while I had such a low self-esteem and negative image of myself. If I saw a picture of me hanging on the wall, I stuck pins in it to hide my face. I felt ugly, worthless, alone and a ‘big, fat zero'. Sometimes, I did not even want to live anymore. However, I discovered that I offended God with my behaviour. He did consider me to be beautiful and valuable. He did understand me because He made me the way I was! I decided to discontinue the sessions I had with my psychologist back then. That psychologist said that is was best for me to start smoking again and to place a personal ad. I felt misunderstood." Torn "Apart from following the course and reading the Bible, I started going to church again. At first, I was really anxious but later on I enjoyed being there. Our pastor was good at explaining the stories from the Bible. I felt at home. Still, things were going worse. My negativity increased. I was torn. I no longer wanted to live but on the other hand, I longed for God, to know more of Him. I was annoyed, listless and tired of all those different thoughts in my head. This changed when a colleague invited me to a church service in Amsterdam. The Friday before, I had lost my temper for the first time. I got into a fight with my boss and if he had not stopped me, I would have willingly driven my car against a wall. I cried my eyes out, we resolved the conflict and we prayed together. For the first time, somebody saw how weak I actually was... how difficult things were for me. That Sunday, I felt God's closeness. I let the pastor pray for me and during that prayer, he spoke about things only God knew. After that, my thoughts stopped wandering and I no longer felt afraid." Introvert "I could really get along with one of the people offering the course at church, Johan. I was not afraid to tell him and his wife about my thoughts, fears and negative self-esteem. I had never let other people know. They also did not expect me to have problems. Still, people say to me: ‘You? Have you been in therapy?'. I am a real introvert. My trust in people has often been betrayed. Therefore, my trust in Johan and his wife was so special. They still mean a lot to me. My boss and his wife have also meant a lot to me. For example, they made sure that I could go to a shelter, called ‘De Herberg' (the inn, translation mine). There, I did not receive therapy but I could rest. It has been such a good time because I had no energy left. I have cried and cried, until all my tiredness came out. At the same time, I realised that I needed more help. Other help. An acquaintance told me about De Hoop." Loving Father "Four weeks after De Herberg, I could go to De Jordaan, center for psychosocial care at De Hoop. The first weeks were horrible. I felt trapped. I wanted to receive help but only according to my rules. I did not want to go into the garden in the afternoons or do household chores. During the first three weeks, I was not allowed to call others and receive visitors. I have probably sent about fourteen letters to friends during that period... all saying how horrible it was at De Jordaan and that I wanted to leave. One time, I even said to one of the counsellors that Jesus would never treat me the way he did. But I did not leave. Everyone around me told me to stick with it and I did. I started to enjoy the Bible studies and singing together. I began to see God as a loving Father." Have I been like that? "I have been home almost a year after having been admitted at De Jordaan. I now have to put into practice the things I have learnt. I still have a long way to go but I know my weaknesses, such as my negative self-image. I know and believe that God loves me and has created me beautifully. I sometimes still find that hard to believe but I did burn all my diaries containing negative comments about myself. I now know how dangerous it is do make negative comments about yourself because you start believing them. I have also learnt to look in the mirror, literally and figuratively. Also concerning my boundaries and insecurities, I have learnt a lot at De Jordaan. The counsellors there have taught me to deal with my weaknesses in a different way. I have changed. I noticed that change when I saw new clients. Then, I thought: ‘That is bad... have I been like that?' That childish behaviour and self-pity. The role of victim. You only see that once you have moved on." Testimony "Among other things, I have celebrated my departure from De Jordaan by sharing my testimony. I did that during one of the praise meetings at De Hoop. I had never thought I dared to do that. But you notice that I still have a large smile on my face when I think about that moment. I have always longed to tell others about what God has done in my life. How good He has been to me. How He saved me from the shadows. I really wanted to tell that, also to thank Him for bringing the right people into my life that encourage and support me. I wanted to tell everyone that I know that God will always take care of me. That I have to get used to a new ‘me' but I am curious about what His plan will be for me." |
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