Goos: "Who am I without my wife and children?"

Goos and Rita live in Harderwijk, near the forests of the Veluwe. They have three children. One son and one daughter still live with them. A wedding picture of their oldest daughter is standing on a little table, next to the couch. The lamp has a cowbell attached to it [‘A reminder of grandpa...'] and in the kitchen Noa, the parrot, is ‘chattering.' We are drinking coffee and eating puff cakes while Goos is starting his story, or rather: his family's story.

Rita used to live on the other side of the street, about two hundred meters down the road,' Goos says. Rita smiles: ‘He lived on the side with the even numbers, I lived on the side with the odd numbers. Before Goos went into military service, we engaged.'

‘It is OK to cry'
They get married. Goos and Rita have three children, one son and two daughters. ‘Our youngest daughter was very sick when she was born', Rita says. "She appeared to have rhesus factor problems. We had different bloodtypes. My body more or less produced antibodies attacking her. That is why I gave birth in the University Medical Center Utrecht. I had to stay there with my daughter for ten days. It was quite a difficult time and I burst out in tears every once and a while. One time, a nurse saw me cry and said: ‘Your child is sick and it is OK to cry, but you need to realize that your husband is much sicker!' She smelled Goos had been drinking... It was the first time someone said something about it. I knew he was drinking, but I always thought: ‘It does not really bother him, so just let him be...' So far, I had not realized that he might have an alcohol problem. But from then on, I started paying more attention to Goos."

Superficial contact
Goos changes his position on the chair: ‘For me, having a drink at times was not abnormal. It was a habit. May father liked to have a drink also.' Rita: ‘But finally, your parents divorced.' ‘Yes, at that time I was twenty-five and we just got married. Later, I understood that my parents often had arguments about my father's drinking, but I did not really witness it because I was always away from home. After their divorce, my mother lived with Rita and me until Rita got pregnant of our son.' Rita pours in another cup of coffee: ‘Because we let Goos's mother stay with us, his father did not want to have anything to do with us. Contact was not restored until our youngest daughter was born.' Goos: ‘I regularly visited my uncle Goos, whom I was named after. He told me that my father was not very well; that his health was deteriorating. Then, I called my father again. I think we have had reasonably good contact for about three more years before he passed away.' Rita nods: ‘Still, contact was superficial.'

Everything was all right...
Goos and Rita's youngest daughter enters the room and their son drops in for a cup of coffee too. We are talking about ‘boyfriends' and Noa, the parrot, but after half an hour or so, Rita returns to the interview. ‘After the remark made by the nurse, I started to pay more attention to Goos and the amounts of alcohol he was drinking. One year later, we decided together that there should not be any alcohol present in our house. But when he kept on drinking, outside of the house, the alarm bells went off... That is what happened, right Goos?' ‘Yes, I was starting to use alcohol as a means to vent my feelings. When I was stressed or under pressure, I drank. So, I started to look for help for the first time, about eight years ago now. However, there was no click between my counselor and me. Later on, I also attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings on a regular basis.' Rita: ‘It is not like he was not functioning, or something.' ‘On the contrary, everything was all right... Until I got a new job I did not like. I started having more and more arguments with Rita, and I finally got stuck. That is about one year ago now.'

Take a break
Goos goes on: ‘I had already been talking to a counselor from De Hoop. He told me I could be admitted to De Hoop. Until then, I never really wanted that because it would mean I was going to lose my job. But now, that argument was no longer valid, because I did not enjoy my job.' Rita: ‘Goos got stuck. At home, at work. He was tired, completely empty. It would be best for him to take a break. Consequently, he was admitted to Crosspoint, De Hoop's motivation center. I was very relieved. I thought he was safe now.' Goos smiles: ‘‘It was quite strange to live amongst people who had been addicted for many years and just got off the streets. But I started to realize that addicts are people just like you and me. Having nothing to do was much more difficult for me. I had been working for 35 years [‘Hard work!' says Rita], but now we only went out to walk or exercise. Gladly, we were going to a farm one day a week to do some work."

‘I was so tired!'
After two months, Goos moves to De Jordaan, De Hoop's center for psychosocial care. ‘I learned a lot from the training sessions. I started to understand myself and why I thought I needed alcohol. Well, the pennies started to drop.' Rita: ‘‘Meanwhile I was talked into believing [Goos laughs] that I needed help too. But I thought I did not need help at all. I was not the one with an alcohol problem! Also, I always said that Goos and I did not have any marital problems. If only Goos could stop drinking, I would have him back. However, I started having meetings with parent/partner workers of de Hoop. But at first, these meetings had a negative impact on me rather than a positive one. I was learning quite a lot, but I related everything to my childhood. I was thinking about the things I learned till such an extent [‘And keeping the family going at the same time', adds Goos] that I nearly became overstrained. In August, Goos and I went on a canoe trip. It was great to be on the water, but as soon as I entered the boat I realized how tired I was because of everything I had experienced with Goos and our family. I was not carrying a backpack full of experiences, but a suitcase full of experiences... a suitcase in which there was no space left for anything else."

On mountains and in valleys
Then the moment arrives that all guests of de Hoop prepare for a project week in Switzerland. Goos: ‘It did not feel right to leave without Rita. She needed this week too! We submitted a request to the Board and got permission.' Rita moves to the edge of her chair: ‘It was a great week! It felt like going to camp. The environment was great, the people were nice to me and it was wonderful to spend so much time with Goos. We have been talking quite a lot.' ‘Together with others, we made a mountain walk. Our goal was to reach the top', tells Goos. ‘But Rita could not make it.' Rita nods: "After one climb, it became very difficult for me, so Goos and I had to go back to the valley where we just came from. While we were walking, I was thinking of an old [Dutch praise] song: Op bergen en in dalen... ja, overal is God (‘On mountains and in valleys... God is everywhere')." Goos: ‘And then you fell.' ‘Yes, then I fell. I could not make it to the top and I could not make it to the valley. At that moment, I surrendered everything, my entire suitcase, to Him.'

It is OK now
‘I can see He is taking care of us', continues Rita. ‘We both learned a lot. Goos has more peace now too and he feels fine. It is great to see and notice that.' The conversation lasts for three hours already. It is time to wind up. Goos: ‘What I want to emphasize is that people at De Hoop look at the entire family. Who am I without my wife and children? How can they deal with a changed husband and father, if they have not wítnessed my changes?' Rita continues: ‘Of course, Goos could have shown me the pictures of Switzerland, but he could have never brought over the special atmosphere.' Goos: ‘That is right...' By now, Goos has finished treatment at De Jordaan. ‘I have learned a lot during the time that has passed. But I also realize that at this moment I really have to practice what I have learned.'