"Dear Mum, I thougt it was great!"
Hannie (49) lives in Oudenbosch. She has been addicted to heroin for years. She also drank two liters of vodka each day easily. But - with the help of the Lord God and the people around her - she has changed! This is her story. Hannie has a spacious house full of memories. There are pictures of her family and friends and drawings of her daughter everywhere. Paintings made by Hannie during her stay in a psychiatric hospital are also covering the walls. "The psychiatrists derived many feelings from them," Hannie smiles. The past eleven months, Hannie has taken a cure. She has Hepatitis C, a common disease among people who are or have been addicted to drugs. "Yes, I've used drugs. But things didn't start just like that. At age eleven, I began smoking, at age twelve or thirteen, I smoked my first joint and at age fifteen, I used heroin for the first time," Hannie recounts almost indifferently. "I've told this story many times before, so it may seem like it doesn't affect me... But that isn't true, of course."
Strict regime
Hannie describes the situation in her house when she was a child. "It wasn't very nice. My father was an alcoholic, despite his high position as a civil servant. My mother was a narcissistic woman, and depressed too. We - my two older sisters, my little brother and I - lived under a strict regime at home. Everything had to happen the way my mother wanted it to happen." Hannie was the one that started to rebel. "I was always the outsider anyway, because I didn't want to study. My sisters did. I preferred playing in the streets, with my friends." She well remembers the first time she was smoking pot. "It was terrible and it literally made me sick. When I went home, my mother asked me what was wrong with me. But I just told her I was having my period."
First time
At age fifteen, Hannie is not doing well at home. She often runs away and is sent to a boarding school. But she runs away from there as well. She moves in with her boyfriend who is six years older. With him, she uses heroin for the first time. "He, and others too, by the way, often asked if I wanted some heroin but my gut feeling always said ‘no'. The time I gave in, I was having my period. My belly ached and I was sad, basically because of everything I had gone through. I felt miserable and was fed up with my boyfriend's moaning, so I put some heroin into my cigarette and smoked it. I felt euphoric right away, as if I was king of the world. That's how I started using heroin."
Scars
For five years, Hannie is living together with her boyfriend. During that time, she is shoplifting often in order to obtain drugs. "I wasn't prostituting myself, so I had to think of another way to get money." She shows the scars on her arms. "As you can see, I didn't just smoke or snort heroin. Later on, I was shooting heroin as well. At first, I was too afraid to inject myself, so my boyfriend did it. These places here have been totally open at one time. There has been a period in my life, during which I refused to wear clothes with short sleeves. I didn't want anybody to see my scars. But I'm over that, now. I have noticed, though, that once, when my daughter touched my scars, I pulled away my arm."
A daughter!
After two miscarriages, her daughter is born in 1996. "I was clean at that time. Before I was admitted to De Hoop, I've been able to stay drug-free for two longer periods of time: from 1983 until 1991 and from 1994 until 1998. The first period was great! I had a very nice job in a theatre. The second period was very special, of course, because it was the time of my daughter's birth. She was born five years after my stay in a psychiatric hospital, where I was treated for all the traumas I had experienced. I was suffering from a strict upbringing, I was abused and I was raped. But now, I had found a man I loved. And he loved me, too." Hannie does not think she met her friend during that period of her life by chance: "I didn't want to live anymore. He somehow saved my life. He's been the only man in my life who has treated me with respect. That's worth a whole lot." Despite her happiness, Hannie is not able to stay clean. "I didn't want to use drugs again, so I started drinking. After some time, I easily drank two liters of vodka each day."
To De Hoop
In 2002, Hannie's mother dies. "Five weeks later my daughter was placed with a foster family, away from me. I signed the papers while I was under the influence of alcohol. I didn't even know what exactly I was signing. A couple of years later, my friend left me too. I was on my own." In 2005, Hannie appeals to De Hoop for help. "There were so many things I couldn't deal with and I was so desperate because I had lost my little girl. I was raised a catholic, but we didn't really practice our beliefs. Nevertheless, I went to church here, in Oudenbosch, where I lit a candle and cried. The light of the candle stayed, even when I went back home, on my bike. I know it might seem strange, but I knew I had to call De Hoop. But I didn't really want to go to De Hoop, because I refused to become some sort of preacher. I thought that all addicts going into that clinic, came out again waving their Bibles. Yet, I called De Hoop and did an intake."
Much healing
Hannie is admitted to De Hoop's motivation center: Crosspoint. Later, she is moving on to Het Anker (‘anchor'), one of the living groups. "I've been to Switzerland twice for a training week. During the first week I accepted Jesus as my Savior and I was able to forgive my rapists. During the second week, I forgave my mother." Hannie sighs: "You know, my mother was a great grandma to my daughter. I really wish she had been a mother to me, my sisters and my brother in much the same way. Anyway... I forgave her. It was almost like a knife had been pulled out of my heart. Forgiving hurt me physically, but it brought about much healing." From Het Anker, Hannie moves on to De Brug (‘bridge'), De Hoop's independent living project. "After De Brug, I started following part-time treatment. This was a very intensive treatment program, but I have really profited from it and it helped me become the person I am now. During my stay at De Hoop, I developed a personal relationship with God. I'm still grateful for all the constructive en honest conversations I've had with employees from De Hoop. I'm also grateful to God that I have found an evangelical church to be a member of. The people of this church have prayed for me often. They've also supported me and given me a lot of love. I was baptized in this church on July 1st, 2007. My baptism verse is Isaiah 58:11: ‘The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail' (NIV)."
Good mother
Hannie's daughter is twelve years old and still lives with her foster family. Once every three weeks, she stays the weekend over at her mother's house ("Much too short!"). And during the holidays, she pays her an extra visit. "My wish? My daughter living at my place again! More and more, I'm learning to be a good mother. And I can tell that she enjoys being with me too." Proof of that can be found on the magnetic board in front of the closet: "Dear Mum, I thougt it was great!" Besides establishing a sound relationship with her daughter, volunteering in a museum and being a board member of the International Women's Movement, she is considering going back to college. "I think I am going to study psychology. I would love to help other women, especially women who have been abused. With my background, I believe I can be of very good service to them. I know what they are talking about."
"You know, I'm so eager to tell them that hopeless people and hopeless situations don't exist. Certainly, life can be difficult... The cure I've just taken, was terrible. And everything I've been trough, has been terrible too. But by applying everything that I've learned at De Hoop and by trusting in God, I can handle life again. I can even overcome Hepatitis C with Him. You know, people have been supporting and praying for me so much... I don't even have to do it on my own. For a long time, I've not been able to say that I still have a future, but I am now! And if I have a future, why shouldn't other people?"
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