 
"Chocolates were my best friends"December is a month of cheerfulness and togetherness. But exactly at that time of year, many people feel more lonely than ever. Sometimes, loneliness even leads to addiction as was the case with Els van Weijen (36), one of De Hoop's clients. She is not only struggling against an eating disorder but also against the feeling of being lonely."I was admitted to De Hoop on 16 May 2008 with an eating disorder. Once you start to fight an addiction, you also start to wonder what caused the addiction. As is the case very often I think, it all started in my youth. My father was an alcoholic, an unpredictable man who burst out in anger when you least expected it. I was a very insecure girl and the things he said to me when he was angry made me doubt about myself even more. The safest place I had was my own room. After my parents divorced, I still retreated to my bedroom. I read books that took me to different worlds. As a teenager I discovered how nice it felt to eat chocolates while reading. Chocolates became my friends. Failure I went to college and noticed it became harder to deal with other people in a ‘normal' way. The other women in my student's house did not accept me. Then I began to know what loneliness really was. I had people around me all the time but I felt alone and excluded. When I graduated I thought everything would change. I started working but I failed in every job I had. I became more and more insecure about my abilities. Eventually, I ended up home alone, unemployed. No job, just a few friends... Sometimes I did not meet anyone for an entire week. I was living alone in a dark single-room apartment. I had only one ‘friend': Food. I threw caution to the wind and gained more and more weight: 200 pounds, 250 pounds, and so on. I disliked my appearance and my life and I thought how great it would if I did not have to live anymore. I started to make suicide plans. ‘Deal' During the time my plans to commit suicide became more concrete I also started to think about the Lord God more and more. I was not a Christian but I was convinced that there was ‘something' between heaven and earth. Finally, I made a ‘deal' with God. As former civil servant I was put on reduced pay, which almost ended. I refused to apply for unemployment benefits and told Him that He had to arrange something. If He would not do that I was going to commit suicide. And the miracle happened: the day my reduced pay was supposed to end, it was paid out ‘just like that'. I knew I had to thank the Lord God for that. But I did not. I ignored Him. Changes At the same time, another woman became my next-door neighbor. We soon became friends. Suddenly I was not lonely anymore. And then... my reduced pay stopped. I was ‘scared to death': I did not want to die anymore at all. For a number of weeks, I was living in a nightmare and tried to find a solution. One night when I could not sleep again, I watched a movie about Jesus. His loving eyes made me cry: I knew He cared about me. I looked up and asked Him if He would help me. I calmed down instantly. That night I slept well for the first time. The following months, I started to deal with my problems. After my encounter with the Lord Jesus, I was up in the clouds. I started reading the Bible and found a church. I met new people and my loneliness seemed to be gone. Losing weight All that time I did not have a partner. The more I started longing for that, the lonelier I got. I decided to do something about my weight. Within a year I lost about a hundred pounds. But it did not change anything: I remained single. I became depressed and gained weight again. It was almost as if the fat pushed away my faith: I started doubting that the Lord God was my loving Father. Everything He had done for me, seemed like chance. To De Hoop Wanting to deal with my eating disorder and regain my faith in God Almighty, I reluctantly made the decision to go to De Hoop. After the first few difficult days, I felt comfortable quite soon. Other clients and counselors accept me as I am: despite my obesity I am part of the group. In De Hoop I have learned that - together with the Lord God - I am much stronger than I always thought. He is always with me, even if things do not go well in life. I have gained hope again and believe I have a future again." |
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