Jos: "I changed from dealer to user."

Jos is 41 years old. He had been addicted to cocaine for twenty years. His life changed at the moment he sat down on his knees and called upon the Lord God.

"I grew up in a family with a Moluccan father and an Indonesian mother. At that time, this was not normal because these groups were opposed to each other. As a result, I did not know who I really was and I felt different than others. Therefore, I have always been searching for friends, power and myself. During my youth, the train hijackings took place. There was a lot of violence amongst Moluccan youth. That is how I grew up. At a certain moment, I needed money and in that way I engaged in criminal behavior. I was gambling, going out and using alcohol and cocaine. Soon, I ended up in a cycle I could not get out of. I got in touch with the ‘big bucks' and I thought I had found happiness. I was making a lot of money, people respected me, I had many friends and I knew plenty of women... I felt like the king of the world."

Using secretly on the attic
"The world of drugs and the drugs trade in particular brings with it a lot of violence. I am not the kind of person who belongs there, because of my gentle nature. But in this world, I had to be tough in some way and even prepared to kill others. One day, I was busy rounding off one of my deals with a couple of men, until one of them picked up my eleven-month old girl, put a gun to her head and took her with him. He wanted drugs. I gave it to him, but he still took my daughter. Later on, we found her safe and sound on the parking lot. On the one hand, I was so glad to see her again, but on the other hand, I knew I had to kill that man. That is a rule: if you touch a kid, you will be killed. So, I went over to that man to kill him. But when it came down to it, I knew I could not do it. I lost my status, my face, in the drug scene and started using. I had never felt the urge to use drugs, but from that moment on, my entire life revolved around coke. I was using secretly, on the attic, in order to forget about my problems. I was dealer first and user second."

I did not see my children grow up
"I was using a lot of cocaine because I had a lot of money. But I continuously wanted more drugs, I did not sleep and eat much, and I went down the drain deeper and deeper. I ran out of money and started to trick my old partners out of large sums of money. Of course, they came after me. This made me even more afraid and paranoid than I already was because of my drug abuse. I was constantly testing my boundaries. I was constantly doing things I could not approve of. However, drugs forced me to do so. I was hiding on the attic and did not see my children grow up. My parents needed me, but I was not there for them. The more I knew they needed me, the more I started using... I only left the house when I needed a dealer."

Wanting to perform
"When I was thirty years old, I was admitted to a addiction care facility for the first time. The next ten years, I went from one rehab center to another. Each time I had finished treatment, I relapsed and hit rock bottom. In 2006, I applied for treatment at De Hoop. The intake procedure was exactly the same as in all other clinics, but this time, after the intake, the employee asked me if he could pray for me. I was raised Catholic, so I expected a Pater Noster. Instead, he prayed a very personal prayer. He prayed for me, my children and the power I needed to deal with my situation. After this conversation, I knew I somehow had to survive those nine months on the waiting list. I knew I had to get to De Hoop. I decided to stay with my parents, stopped using, and became a member of both the library and the gym. Slowly but surely, the old Jos came back to life. I wanted to perform and was exercising so had that I hurt myself. I was not allowed to exercise anymore, so I went back to my old friends, because I was bored. I relapsed to drug and alcohol abuse immediately."

Please Lord, help me!
"I had three more months to go before I would be admitted to De Hoop. I was becoming physically ill due to using drugs. All the painkillers I took nearly numbed me. I started to threaten my mother because I needed money. I was lying underneath the blankets on my bed and felt incredibly guilty. I knew I had crossed a boundary. I hurt my mother - who had always been backing me, supporting me and praying for me - so much. I did not know how to go on and thought about committing suicide. At that moment, I went down on my knees, for the first time in my life, and I called upon the Lord God. ‘Lord, you can see me and you know me. Please Lord, help me, if you exist!' In those days, I did not answer the phone, regardless of who was calling, and I did not open the door. However, the phone started to ring twenty minutes later. I noticed it was De Hoop, I picked up the phone and I heard: ‘Just come over here, Jos. We know about your situation. Grab your ID and health insurance papers and come over'"

At home
"My mother took me to De Hoop, by taxi. She wanted to make sure I would arrive there. From the first moment on, I felt safe at De Hoop and at home. I knew this was the place where I should be. This was the thing I had been waiting for my entire life: a place for change... a resting place. The best present I got was the Bible. In the beginning, the Bible texts did not make much sense to me, but by reading the Bible and receiving explanation from others, I learned more and more. The most important thing I learned is that the Lord God loves me and that there is forgiveness for all the things I have done. Numerous people have told me: ‘Go for it, Jos. De Hoop offers you the opportunity to build up a new life.' And I have seized this opportunity with both hands!"